volunteering

today i am volunteering at the honolulu aids walk. as a photographer.  this is my third time volunteering for them in 2 years but the first time as a photographer, and suggested by me.  in september i volunteered for healing our spirit worldwide, no job assignment, but they saw i had a camera and told me to shoot some pictures.  this made the volunteer experience so much more enjoyable.  i don't know why i never put it together. do something you enjoy and share it with the world.  it took me awhile to put this together with volunteer work, after someone suggested it to me.  yet why is it so hard for me to incorporate this into my working world modality?  "let the beauty you love be what you do. there are 1,000 ways to kneel and kiss the earth."-rumi

Day 40

Day 40

Day 40: Grasping for more

Thursday April 7, 2011

So today is officially my last day of this project.   Just as our last day of vacation nears, I don’t want it to end.    I’ve enjoyed making an effort to think and breathe as a tourist each day, even if the effects do not last for the whole day.  It was almost like a mindfulness meditation, how I could reflect on each day and focus on just one aspect. 

I am sure I could extend this journey for longer, thinking of more ways to fit each day into a tourist mentality.  But if I did, where would the end point be?  Same with a vacation, if it got extended to no end in sight, would it have the same meaning? 

I guess there is a sense of wonder and fun in things being time limited, knowing it is an end point.  Vacation is a paradise mentality, which we visit on average 1-2 weeks a year.  When paradise mentality switches to reality mentality, it does not appear to hold that same freshness, newness, and excitement.

I truly sound like Debbie Downer as I say that.  But there is one caveat…we can have multiple vacations or mini breaks per year.  As Timothy Ferriss suggests in his book the Four Hour work Week, the New Rich shoot for not just one end all retirement but multiple mini retirements.  The importance of keeping things fresh.  He states in his book, “The opposite of love is indifference, the opposite of happiness is- here’s the clincher boredom.” 

We need to look at how to keep our lives fun and free from boredom.  Traveling is an easy escape, but there are multiple ways to do this, many include not even leaving your own hometown.  We need to incorporate newness into our life…learning new languages, workout routines, recipes, philosophies, or maybe even taking a new route in our walks or drives to work.  Our bodies and minds need to be challenged to grow.    

I realized on this journey I have this craving for freshness in how I live my life, this sense of adventure.  But to be on the go growing all the time can be exhausting.  We need to balance this with rest, and the real world.  I know for myself I am still trying to find that right balance in my life, and it’s okay I have not gotten there yet. 

It’s  a journey in and of itself. 

And taking this tourist mentality of applying principles of vacation mode to everyday life has been helpful.  Being a tourist to your own self, to your reality.  Bringing newness, curiosity, and wonder to this moment.  It’s been a challenge, but definitely has brought gratitude into my life.  A wake up call that my time in Hawaii and on this earth is limited.  I can find a lesson in everyday if I truly searched for it.

Life can be a vacation.  We may just need the eyes of a tourist to see it.

Day 39

Day 39: Three Things Needed

Wednesday April 6 2011

A fellow traveler and high school friend once told me, “There are three things you need to travel: money, time, and health.  You will rarely have all 3 at the same time, so when you have 2, you gotta go for it.”  I’ve repeated that advice throughout much of my life, but so many times I have lost sight of the essence of it.

A new potential job offer has arisen, back in Los Angeles.  Although one of our goals is to relocate, and the job consists essentially of no therapy (something I need a break from), I have reservations.  It is the money factor.  I would be making at least 1/3 less.  Can I handle it?  If so, it is for the hope of having a more enjoyable life, less stressful work, a job more fitting with me, but less money.  I am not materialistic or money hungry, but could my ego handle making 1/3 less? 

I highly commend my friend Pam who went from being a pharmaceutical sales rep in San Fran, free new car (which always changed every 6 months), and making over six figures a year.  To going back to school and struggling the past several years to do something she is passionate about…being a physical education teacher.  She took out all her savings to go back to school in Hawaii.  She has a clunker for a car, and the past several year balances 3-5 jobs, but now she has settled into a FT teaching position and admits her happiness and improvement in quality of life.

Today I can’t help but think of that phrase: money, time, and health.  At this current job I definitely have the money.  Ironically I make a lot, but have none leftover.  And although I get much time off, it doesn’t feel enough.  In addition, my health has dissipated the past six months, getting sick practically every other month.  My body feels depleted and burnt out.

The future job first off lacks money.  I know the work would be more align with who I am therefore, I expect my health to be better.  And time, potentially the same or more of it.

How do you make a decision and balance the importance of things?

When tourists finally decide to make a trip, what weighs their decision?  What has weighed yours?

Ironically, money, time, and health are all relative.  Two days, Two weeks, or Two Months.  Vacation vs. time off between jobs.  $1000 vs $10,000.  Credit cards or cash.  And health is another factor.  Aches and pains vs a life threatening disease? Ironically, it may be those diagnosed with fatal diseases that take the jump to travel, because time is fleeting (Watch the Bucket List).

These three factors of money, time, and health rule much of our life.  Where are you abundant?  Where are you lacking?  How will you base your next decision?

day 38

Day 38: Feel Accomplished

Tuesday April 5, 2011

Yesterday I finished reading two books that have been lingering over my head over the past month.  Generally I inundate myself with reading 4-5 books at a time, and by doing this overwhelm myself with no end date in site.  This time I focused, and knocked them off my to do list.

I write this, it is day 38, and I have kept up with this internal goal of living internally as a tourist for 40 days.  Many of my friends and family do not about this inward journey I have been making, or have stopped asking question.  But I do.  This is an accomplishment. 

As a tourist I also have to do lists.  I have a goal to visit a new country each year and visit all 50 states.   Ironically there was a time where I visited more countries than states.  I felt I had to overstretch myself internationally.  In reality, what I needed in my life was to slow down a bit and see what’s around me.  People out there love America, I am lucky enough to live here, why not explore locally? 

So many times when I travel I take things for granted and try to compare myself to other travelers who can take months off at a time, or visited more countries than I have, even lived overseas.  I know I must step back and feel accomplished for what I have just done.  Many places getting a passport is such a strenuous tumultuous process.  In America, almost anyone can get a passport.  Use it.  Savor this trip you are on, and be proud of it, versus simply wanting more.   Feel strength on knowing you are in the process of completing this journey that you had set out to explore. 

day 37

Day 37

Be your own doppleganger

Monday April 4 2011

According to wikepedia, a doppelgänger “is a tangible double of a living person in fiction, folklore, and popular culture that typically represents evil.”  But throughout the past decade many tv shows and films dopplegangers are not always referred to our evil twin, but sometimes simply a completely characterolically opposite external version of you.

Yesterday I met up with a friend, for our weekly goal chats.  Since September, we try to meet on a weekly basis to see where we are at in attaining our goals.  When are goals written, achieved, need to be written, or modified if it no longer is essentially a goal.  We each share about 10-11 individual goals, some of ours align.  It’s a good way to know you have someone to be accountable to for something you actually want to achieve. 

She is aware of this project I am doing, and I showed her my new tattoo.  She mentioned how brave and adventurous I was, and also how much I have been improving the past several weeks.  I had to admit this better part of me is returning.  I cannot say what one thing it is that is bringing the changes…time, going to therapy, friendships, gym, meditation, or living my life as a tourist.   Probably is a combination of all of the above. 

I had been in this funk, where the shadow side of me was emerging.  Why hope? Why dream? Why am I here? And now the excitement is returning, that sense of adventure.  I have noticed that myself, but to have someone external make that connection is validating. 

As a tourist, you can’t help but note what a different person you become.  No work responsibilities.  Time is your choice on what to do with it.   You can linger in the hotel bed or beach, or rush to see all tourist hot spots in a day.  But it is your choice.  There is this appreciation and gratitude of seeing new land, hearing new accents or languages, touching different currencies of money, smelling new aromas, or tasting exotic cuisine.  This adventure has been in the planning stages for potentially months, and now it is ripe for you to taste.

A trip can be whatever you want it to be.   And it’s important to remember that so can our lives.  We have the choice to be this doppelganger at any point in our journey, whether in our destination or at home. 

day 36

Day 36: Comfort in a Church

Sunday April 3, 2011

I was raised Catholic.  For most of my life I attended Catholic schools and went to weekly Sunday mass.  Due to various reasons, this strayed from my life somehow when I left home.  Periods of rejuvenation would return and exploration of different sectors, but never consistently.  My fiancé has a very similar upbringing. I can say for both sides of our families everyone is Catholic.  So to be part of a generation where it isn’t a strength in our lives is new to the family.

I remember in my international travels, I generally tried to visit churches.  The ornate nature may be embellished in the gold and stain glass walls.  Maybe there was simplicity in the chapel, quiet solitude.  I remember visiting a church in Greece that housed a skull.  Churches can reveal so much about the culture, the history, and if attending mass possibly it’s people.

The day prior, Anthony awoke me in the middle of the night (when he is most inspired and up) and told me of his urge to return to attending church.  His reason for straying was the loss of his mom the past year, where mine was partially linked of his and sadly laziness.  We had gone to church three times the past year together, including Christmas.  This time we tried a new church that would hopefully fit with us.  The Newman Center is part of the University of Hawaii, providing Catholic support and services to students and the community.  Oddly the room did not seem to fit the mold of a church, with computer in the back, kitchen and smells of chicken and brownies, stackable chairs.  But people were gathered to worship, the priest stood on a platform, the Catholic protocol ensued. 

I may have my grievances about Catholicism, but realistically if you attend church anywhere you get essentially the same thing.  Even if you don’t understand the language, you basically know what’s coming.  That in and of itself is comforting.   Especially if travelling alone for an extended amount of time.  I know I am biased being raised Catholic, but it seems to hold true for other religions including Christianity, Buddhism, Jewish Tradition, Islam, Hinduism, and Unitarianism.

This gathering place was in no ways ornate, but still felt holy.  There was a beauty in listening to chorus of the audience, accompanied to the violin, piano, clarinet, acoustic, and electrical guitars.   I notice a preference I have with masses targeted towards college students, it seems there is more of an effort to connect the message with real life.  Or the importance of relatability versus pure structure.   

While vacation, whatever your religious beliefs may be, visit a place of worship.  And simply sit and allow yourself to be comforted by some form of tradition, whether one you were raised with or one there is no connection to at all.  Sit and see if you feel familiarity, spirituality, or simply comfort.

Day 35

Day 35: Capture the Moment

Saturday April 2 2011

As a tourist, everything is photoworthy…food, sunsets, salesperson, public transportation, and storefronts.  People excuse your “odd” behavior of taking photos of ordinary things because you are a tourist.  Everything is new to you.   You are allowed to take photos to calm your curiosity.  But somehow we lose that sense of wonder.   Everyday occurrences no longer are picture worthy.  Our cameras tend to only come out in social gatherings, and possibly the holiday season.   People with young children or animals are the exception, they want to capture the growth and wonder in their muse’s eyes.   But why must photography only spared for vacationers or holidays?

Today I went to the fish auction, the largest one between Maine and Japan.  As I stepped out of the car at 5:30 am, my dslr camera snapped the fisherman ending their shift and cleaning their boat.  I stepped into the entrance way, before dipping my sneakers in water to cleanse them.  My friend who wore flip flops was pointed in the direction of a separate room, where she borrowed used rain boots before entering.

As my hands pushed through the plastic curtains, I could not believe my eyes.  My camera worked in overload for 30 minutes capturing this one room.   Hundreds of freshly caught fish lay before us…Ahi, Opah, Tuna, Snapper. I have never seen fish of this size staring back at me in one place.  Two small tour groups also joined us in the room.  We kept a slight distance from the auctioneer and the customers, who came from local grocery stores and restaurants buying products for their day.  This occurs 6 days a week, an ordinary occurrence for many there, but not me. The wonder remained, as I tried to capture the size, the vastness, the awe of this experience.  I did feel a sad pull for these fish, but their beauty remained.  I imagined what it would be like if I only saw them while snorkeling in the water, how would I react.

An important point I tried to learn throughout the years is balancing capturing the moment and being in the moment.  Sometimes we are so entrenched behind the camera, that we lose sight of our heart and awe.  I tried to soak it in and linger in that room.

Breakfast was served at a nearby local restaurant with fish freshly purchased from the auction.  It opened at 6:30am.  Thirty minutes to spare, and so I continued to take photographs of the boats hanging out early morning, sun rising behind the downtown buildings.  Despite the industrialized setting that surrounded me, it felt peaceful being juxtaposed to the water.

As I ate the food, I was filled with gratitude and awe.  Knowing where my food came from, capturing it, and sharing that experience with others via digital photos.

Day 34

Day 34: Face the inevitable
Friday April 1 2011

Today I decided to take half a day off.  A Friday, first of the month, sounds like relaxation. In actuality, I needed to take the day off for my taxes.  Grant it, was not a luxury.  I was doing this b/c I actually procrastinate with my taxes.  But I tried to make the best out of it. I dressed up in a black fitted dress, carried my laptop in my coach purse, and lounged in the coffee area in Borders Books, drinking carmel lattes...As I did my taxes.   I tried to conquer my demon in the most seductive way possible.  Maybe it eased the pain of a 5 hour battle.  I left angry and sad of the results of this laborious work, but I did feel accomplished.  I did this on my own: one federal and two state taxes.

As a tourist, maybe there is one thing  you are not looking forward to...the airport check in process, standing in line to an infamous exhibit, attempting to speak a new learned language with natives, trying to navigate the metro system.  Maybe the inevitable is leaving and going back home.    Or checking our credit card statements upon return. We must face it.  How can you ease the pain as you tear off the bandaid?  We cannot change the inevitable but we can sweeten it, maybe with a latte.