Thankful

Day 2

Be thankful for arriving

When tourists arrive at a location, they are filled with relief and gratitude to simply be there.  The plane or car ride may have felt exhaustive, the months of planning brought them here to this place.  For a moment they can breathe a sigh of gratitude.

How could I choose to implement this today?  A Monday morning.   Be thankful for where I am today.    Like most Americans I dread going into work (sad I know).  I woke up this morning and automatically thought, “oh no a full work week!”  But I decided to quickly change it, what can I be excited about or thankful for?   I knew my day was not yet scheduled with busy patients, so I could look forward to some free time that I had available to breathe.  I was looking forward to writing more about these topics.

I decided to start a gratitude section in my journal.  I had previously attempted this, but had difficulty following through.  Therefore today I simply chose to write 10 things I am grateful for today.    

For today these were…

1. I have a light load of clients today
2. lingering back pain is slightly improved
3. I have a new work outfit, which fiancé just bought for me this weekend.
4. It looks beautiful outside today, the sun peeking through the clouds.
5. My dogs were filled with vibrant energy this morning.
6. There was minimal traffic today.
7. I am starting to read a new book, and am excited to learn the philosophies taught in it.
8. I am planning an event for this weekend with my co-workers for an old friend in town.
9. I have driven 100 miles and my tank is still full of gas.
10. I have packed a filling nutritious lunch today.

These were not monumental blessings by any means, but everyday gratitude.   The focus is on the intention. 

So often we forget to be thankful.  Sometimes I wished I would have tattoo on my hand to remind me to be grateful, just as I would write to do’s on my hand a to do to be thankful.  It should come naturally but to make anything a habit, we need to remind ourselves to make it a central point.   

So today I am thankful I am here, alive, and healthy (even if it is on a Monday morning of a full work week).

the baptism (officially occurred feb 27)

I planned to start this process slightly later, actually on Ash Wednesday, but when the drive is there you have to go with it. Yesterday was a breaking point.  As I listened to Anthony complain of yet another day of living in Hawaii and wanting to leave.  I yelled “Stop it! I know it was a mistake for moving here.  We all make mistakes.  But can’t we appreciate our time here?  People vacation here, and we don’t even go to the beach.”  I went on to discuss our time in Hawaii as being limited, so appreciate each day and live in it.

Today, I decided to swim in the ocean.  I am embarrassed to admit this, but I have not swam in the ocean for at least three months.  I have swam in our condo’s pool, but not the ocean.  This would be understandable if I lived in New Jersey, Virginia, maybe even California.  But for the past year I have been living in Hawaii .

I love to swim, but there are excuses.   It’s too cloudy or has just rained.   This means the water will be frigid, or not warm enough if the clouds are there.  Many times I use the excuse that I don’t want to go to the beach alone.  I wait to see if my fiancé will go with me.  Sadly let me also mention, that I live across the street from the ocean.   I can wave to it from my living room, and yet I barely stop over and say hello. 

So many days I wake up, look out and say “it’s a beautiful day.” But I don’t do anything with that day.

Today was different, I chose to go to the beach.   A tourist spot, the edge of Waikiki, before it turns into the Yacht Harbor.  My fiancé has been in pure pain for the past several weeks, and I have been putting off some of my enjoyments to help care for him.   His shoulders are almost immobile, has been on vicodin, and sleeps most of the day.  Therefore I am here to care for him and the dogs, when I am not at work caring for my revolving door of patients. 

The choice to go to the ocean would not have happened if kids were not swimming in our community pool. 

The past two weeks I enjoy my Sunday swim around high noon.  Doing laps back and forth, as I used to do in the gym.   Today since it was full of boisterous children, the beach was my only choice. 

I put on my 30 spf sunscreen, brought along a sarong, book, and a pair of goggles.    I walked 10 minutes and chose the perfect area.  Not too crowded or rocky.  I sprawled out and created my domain, laid on my belly, and read.  I waited to get hot so I could be ready for the ocean’s coolness.  I was almost ready, but then clouds started to move right into my direct line of the sun.  No!  It looked like the clouds were endless.  I was already here, and knew if I did not get in now, I would not get in.  So I went for it, slowly put my feet in the water.  Cool but do-able.  I saw several other people swimming and stand up paddle boarding, compared to the 100 or so people laying on the beach.  I tried to wonder when the full moon was to ensure no jellyfish would be present.  I jumped in and swam.

Cold! I reminded myself, this will pass, and it did.  The sun returned, and jointly with the ocean said “Welcome back.”    I wore my goggles and could not see much, my eyes were adjusting to the ocean.  I was swimming to a slightly deeper area.  I remembered that a small coral cove existed not too far away.  Although nobody was around, I swam towards it.  Finally I arrived.  The beauty of the coral.   My ocean lap would be along the outside edge of the coral, and back.   It was then I decided, today is the day I live as a tourist.  And this was my baptism into the process. 

In the Catholic tradition, children are baptized when welcomed into the church.  From that baptismal day, they are officially Catholic members.  Supported by their godparents, parents, priest, and congregation. 

I swam into the ocean, no witnesses but the tropical fish, high noon sun, and Pacific ocean.  They would support me throughout this process of “living as a tourist,” in my current hometown, being mindful and present.

Swimming for me has always been therapeutic, almost as journaling.  There have been times in the past, while swimming laps in the gym pool, I would cry.  It was healing for me.  Yet, I was holding myself back due to my internal obligations…spending time with the fiancé and dogs, errands, writing, reading.   As I swam, I realized that swimming could help me with my writing.

As I swam I realized, the water is actually warm, and the sun came back to play.  If we always are waiting for the clouds to pass or someone to do things with, the someday will never come.  Take action now. 

After some time, I noticed more people jumped into the water.  I laid back on my orange sun kissed sarong.  I did not carry a watch with me, therefore had no idea what time it was.  I decided to leave after finishing a book I was reading.  Closure for the day.  When I returned home I realized it was only 1 ½ hours I was gone.  But how cathartic that was.  I initially vowed to do these every Saturday and Sunday.  Realistically at least once a week.  This would be my Sunday service with my congregation.

true artists

i deeply value the soul and passion an artist has.  to give up conforming to society's rules of occupations and salaries for fulfilling your true calling is awe-inspiring.  what a step it takes to live as an artist, treading on the possibility of making it, but the reality it may not occur.  does one ever give up this dream? artists who fight for being content with their meager surroundings, knowing in their hearts something bigger could loom around the corner.   i heart artists, and always wanted to be one. this is why i was pulled to the creative boys.  i thought it was their passion that wooed me, and it did.  but what it really wooed was the stirring of my soul's creativity to awaken.

realization

Today, as I was helping out my fiance with his business proposal, he says "You are really good at researching.  That's why you were good at school."  I told him, it's the writing and researching together.  He said, "well can you do that as a job?"  I completely eliminated the thought as a research psychologist (not enough love for stats), but the thoughts came back to writing.  Writing is a passion I have had for years.  I remember attempting to write a fiction book in the fourth grade, I didn't get past the first chapter, but I attempted.  In the 1st or 2nd grade, I wrote a book, created out of dad's work scratch paper, drawings included.  I have co-written a book with a friend on dating and written a book on backpacking europe, both having outreached query letters to agents.  But I never got past that.  On my free time, at any job I have, I am trying to write.  Maybe it is simply journaling, blogging, writing articles, or starting a new book. In moving to Hawaii, I had hopes of becoming a writer here.  With it being not even one year into this move, I am working on three books (somewhat simultaneously).   Writing is the only thing getting me through the year, with friends leaving, being burnt out from a job, stressed financially and emotionally.  Writing brings some type of hope.  Yet, I struggle calling myself a writer.  It is as if I feel I need to make substantial money in this to be considered an entity.  But I am in the process of writing.  Does that not equate with being a writer? The answer is there, how can I accept it as truth?

mindfulness day 7

did mindfulness exercise at work, with  walk and sitting.  Stayed present, rid thoughts as they came, or tried to.  I realize that this exercise is hard for me.  Just setting it aside as something I must do today, to check it off the list.  It’s hard for me to be mindful throughout the entire day, right now I’m limiting it to these 10-15 minutes.  I realize I am this way with my life, I want to check things off the box.  I have done this, gone here, had this experience.  I always expect the next thing to be better, and I realize it is not.  Sometimes the better thing had already passed, and I am yearning for more.  Never satisfied with now.  I am trying to accomplish all these goals, but while I am in it, I am focused on the next thing, so that I miss the moment.  How do I take this concept of mindfulness and expand it to my life and the concept of time?  Patience, being in the now.  I always want to be somewhere else, the itch to not be present, but be somewhere better. Maybe this is why I move so much, change is fun, so much else to focus on.  When the monotony of life hits, it’s mundane, and I do not want to be a mundane person.  My biggest fear is to be like everyone else, and miss the big picture.  Yet, is the big picture we are unique just like everyone else?  Paradoxically, I know I cannot keep moving.  Fiscally it’s not realistic.  I know I need some stillness, but there’s pain with sitting here and being.  How can I maintain this practice of now and be okay with it?

week one meditation

joined the class yesterday, practiced today.  As I practiced the sitting meditation, multiple thoughts came to my head, linked to meditation somehow.  I thought of how this was easier listening to someone than doing it on my own.  I initially tried the meditation at work, in between clients.  No walking meditation prior, but did listen to the mp3 on walking prior.  I feel generally I have to do my meditation at work, b/c I have my dogs and fiancé at home.  But in listening to this I realize, maybe my fiancé and I can do it together.  This and other numerous thoughts went through my head, and I had to remind myself “later”, I could acknowledge these thoughts but push them to later.  Even if these thoughts were related to meditation, I had to focus on now.  This is where guided meditation and this class can be helpful for me.  I can focus on something vs. just a phrase (which I have been doing).

-I was curious, can you do walking mindfulness while walking the dogs? This is something I already do several times a day, and feel it could be productive.