Upward Dog

Day 10: Upward Dog

When I have slightly more strength than peaking up from cobra, or I completely bypass chautranga, I enter in Upward Dog.  Each time I enter into the asana, my lower back cracks, an area that doesn’t even appear to bother me.  I feel strong in this pose.  Your arms are strong holding your body up, legs straight off the floor, back arched.  Your gaze looks directly forward, and you know the next pose is going to launch into the opposite of this one: downward dog. 

I ended my two day writers conference, hopeful.  Hopeful of what may be next.  It was a Hay House conference that emphasized spirituality.  It incorporated some of the basic writing components, but enhanced it with how your essence or drive shouldn’t just be to be a bestseller but to help and serve others. 

Cheryl Richardson mentioned the day prior how she gave God and the Universe this ultimatum.  God grant her a sign of how to do this next step in her life and if it doesn’t happen, it is his will.  And so I decided to do the same, not to copy but to try it out for myself.  I was at a low point.  Lately, I felt my career has been going in circles, and each time I get farther from the source and the reason I entered this field.  I gave God 24 hours for a sign to enter my life.  I wrote a letter to God while in the conference yesterday, and now I wait.  The problem is it’s neared hour 24, and there has been no major sign.  There’s been bursts of small signs, but nothing major has popped out at me.

And so I begin to wonder does setting ultimatums to God really work?  And if signs were being sent to me, was I able to have the capacity to see them?   I position myself and upward dog, look forward, prepared to see the signs.  If no signs  emerge, somehow I must still continue to look forward and prepare myself for the next step that lies ahead.

full lotus

This weekend, I’ve chosen to volunteer all weekend for a reduced rate for a writers conference.  It’s interesting because you are sitting in a room of 100 people all interested in living the life of a writer, primarily memoir or self help.  Some craft techniques are taught, but underlying this is the guise of service towards others.  Cheryl Richardson spoke today of her initial desire to get on the NY Times Bestseller list, and how this unmet need of attention kept her from truly succeeding.  It was when she began having difficult times on this path of being a writer, that she understood the importance that her goal should not be fame or finance, but helping as many people as she could.  When this new goal emerged, the fame and accolades arrived too. Lesson being our ego gets in the way our true potential achievements.    

I couldn’t help but think of the synchronicity of this conference and my life.  It’s coming at a time, when I truly need it.  There’s been in a rut the past several years.  I start a new job, due to disdain from a previous one.  I have hope for a better working environment, more money, better location, and a deeper connection to my passion.   Each time I’m disappointed.  I feel as if the older I get, the more off track I am getting from myself.  I’m losing this person I once was.  I once was an automatic caregiver to those around me, and now my ears have become selfish.   It’s not that I want to be selfish.  There was simply a tipping point where I could no longer give, and it’s where I’ve remained. 

But in searching for external gratification, a higher paying job, wanting to be a published author, trying to become this acclaimed yogini, was I missing something?  I set goals, attain them, but happiness never is sustained.  Maybe a shift needs to be made.  A shift instead of trying to force happiness out of what I think I want to do with my life, asking God to do what I’m meant to do and how I can help and serve others.

Today I do a short series of sun salutations, and settle into full lotus.  I choose to hum several “oms” before attempting a meditation of five minutes.  And my word I try to meditate on is “grace.”  I’ve been hearing that word often this past week, and feel it’s brought on a new meaning.  Grace as divine assistance versus a pleasing effect.  This is difficult for me.  In trying just to meditate on grace, I try to visualize the word internally, the variety of fonts grace could be written in.  I try to visualize people I saw use this word in the past week.  Midway I wonder if I try to change the word to something simpler: love.  I stay with grace.  It’s been awhile since I sat in full lotus, I notice my foot is starting to feel slightly numb.  The five minutes end, I survive. 

forward fold

Day 8: forward fold

Morning after killer yoga class and my body is sore.  I attempted some asanas and feel soreness that wasn’t there yesterday.   As I bend into forward fold, a pose generally so easy for me that I don’t even view it as a pose, pain hits.  My lower back and the backs of my legs feel the stretch.  What happened to me?

As I bend into pose, your head drops, your arms fold at the elbows hugging each other, and your body is dropped to your knees.  This pose in some ways is like a resting pose, a settling into the ground, your body learning to release itself in an easy way, before it’s catapulted into plank and the rest of sun salutation.

I’ve noticed the changes yoga has afforded me in the past week.   Out of 7 days of my yoga works membership, I utilized 5.  I have a little more space in my pants, my butt must be diminishing.  When I walk on the ground, I notice how I try to center my feet and spread my toes.  But it has also been my frame of mind, it’s not a dramatic change.  I’m not in a forever state of “om” although I literally have it tattooed on my wrist.  It’s this realization of the importance of doing some type of meditation, of freeing your brain, and simply being.  Yoga is a movement meditation, but anything can be my yoga.

As I sit in forward bend, I remind myself that the difficulty and inability to do this pose today is different from yesterday, and it will be different again tomorrow.   This is where I’m at today.  The class yesterday may have caused pain today, but it will  only help further challenge and increase my strength and flexibility in the future.

chair

last day of my free week yoga pass to yoga works, ending with a bang.  initially i thought i would like the instructor, she played indian music in the  background and compared poses to life.  "throughout the class i want you to challenge yourself to use ujjayi breathing. if you did yoga five times a week with ujjayi breathing, it will change your life and release all that inner bullshit." i loved this, a calm yogini who cursed as she wanted her class to focus on their breath.  i think we could get along.  she would love my blogs.

 then the intensity hit, and my discomfort ensued.  it was not that i disliked her, i disliked the discomfort of the poses.  the sound of "chair" to those who are unknown to yoga sounds comfortable, but in reality i dread it.  the longer you sit in it, the more frequently i try to glance at the clock and wait for class to end.  but chair was just a sample of the ugh felt in class this afternoon.   she closed all the windows, ensuring we would not be distracted by the outside noise.  but in doing so, there was no air circulation on a hot afternoon in a class that was filled with probably 40-50 people, at certain points I almost bumped my face into the ass of the yogini in front of me.  this is not bikram, served at 105 degrees, where body is meant to drench with sweat. but it felt like it.  chair pose, sun salutations, crow pose, free standing headstands, sit-up like poses, warrior 3, bounded angle, all held in prolonged moments.  i lost my appetite after the class due to exhaustion and it was prime dinner time.  some seemed to excel, other took breaks.  i glanced around the room at times, since there were no mirrors around.  when those next to me dropped to child after prolonged intensity balancing on one leg in warrior 3, i allowed myself to drop.  although we are to do this at our pace, i couldn't help but compare.  if someone allows themselves a break, i deserve one too.  and i took it.

at the end of class, when sitting and humming om she said "thank all those here in class today, who made your practice possible.  all are separate, yet all are one."  we were here, by 5:30 the class was almost pitch dark, no lights on, windows  no longer shed sun in.  and we laid in savasana releasing air at our normal rate.  and it all felt like a dream.  the 90 minutes served as some type of meditative state.  the grueling nature of the poses were over, and laying in savasana i could truly let go.

the more i do yoga, despite the fact at times i can despise it, you can't deny it's meditative.  you are so focused on the poses: of the correct posture, your breath, the stretch, the sequence, strength, flexibility.  your mind momentarily does not wander, it can't.  because when you lose your concentration, you lose the pose.  this is my meditation today, and for 90 minutes the inner bullshit stopped.

cobra

Day 6: Cobra Pose

Today my chosen pose was cobra.  I wanted something standardized, part of the sun salutation, that was manageable.    I chose this pose because I witnessed my husband stretching as he watched tv.  I only dragged him to yoga once, but he tends to replicate yoga poses.  I told him “You’re doing a yoga pose, you’re doing Cobra!”  He responded simply, “I know.”  The only reason he knew, is because every time his stretches remotely resemble  yoga, I yell it out to him.  And so today, I did yoga again at home.   It officially was Ash Wednesday, we had planned to attend church this evening, but was pulled into an episode of Oprah with Anthony Robbins.  This was our service today.  Later I proceeded to do some yoga as I watched a short documentary Ashtanga NY.  There was something comforting watching people practice these asanas daily, some movie stars, some regulars, all under Sri K. Pattabhi Jois. 

The documentary took place during the time pre and post 9/11 in the heart of New York.  It exemplified how these people stayed committed to their practice during this difficult time, and formed a sense of community despite the fact they may not know the other yogis names in the class, they felt connected.

Doing this simple pose of opening up my shoulders  and lower back and waking up to the world seems natural.  It is not an awkward position.  Anthony moved into the pose without trying or direction, sometimes your body craves it.   

triangle

Day 5: Triangle

Today the instructor for the class was Iyengar based.   Much of what she said had to do with perfecting the nuances of each pose.  The class didn’t feel as spiritual as it was corrective.  One pose we focused on was triangle.  It was from practicing triangle that we could forward on to crescent moon.   We tried to perfect our triangles with blocks, which were fastened at various levels.  As we moved into the poses in proper form, she said “People complain about alignment.  They say that focusing on alignment takes away from the dance of yoga, but in reality when you have the alignment down, the proper form, it frees your body up to experience even more joy.”  The instructor’s phrases tended to be technical, but when she added just a few metaphorical life lessons in there, they were golden.

A triangle in short hand is the symbol for change, and today exemplified that.  This morning I had a group interview for a yoga teacher scholarship opportunity.  For 100 hours of grunt work, you get a 50% discount from the three month course.  The candidates were myself (a doctoral level psychologist) and another minority female (a recent law school graduate).  Both of us were dissatisfied in our chosen professions which generally are admired deeply by society.  But our career paths to this point lacked connection for us.  And here we were applying to be teaching assistants for a yoga teacher training program.   No college education was necessary for this.  I couldn’t help but think how did we both get here.  I didn’t feel it was a pure competition.  Our styles were opposite.  I was reserved and calm.  She was late, slightly hyper, and comedic in her responses.   Part of me felt due to her free schedule and incessant note taking during the meeting, she was a shoe in for the scholarship.  I took no notes, and hold a full time job.  I was unclear how competitive I appeared.  But I realize if it’s meant to be it will happen, if not now, then later.

As we were in the interview, the recent law school grad complained of her parents were unsupportive of her new profession as an actress and future yogi.  She felt the skills she learned as a lawyer were  useless.  The interviewers tried to convince her otherwise, “these good skill to have for starting businesses or consulting.’’   I  thought of my training as a psychologist and how it complemented my skills as a therapist.   We can’t look of our paths up to now as a waste.  If you realize how your education and training can build your foundation of  your life, then maybe it will free up the space for more joy to come in. 

downward dog

Another resting pose.  Today I rested from a formal yoga class.  It was President’s Day, a day that banks, post offices, and federal offices take off.   Yet I worked and worked, but lacked the energy for class.  And so I did a brief sun salutation series at home.  When I do this I get angry at myself that I didn’t make it a priority to attend class.   I feel like a lazy piece of shit, and I have nobody to blame but myself.   I like to think that I’m different, inspirational, motivational, and authentic.  But in reality sometimes I’m so tired from work I don’t feel like doing anything but watching tv. 

It’s the guilt that looms over me. But this is when I need yoga the most, especially after a long day’s work, where the Mundane Mondays overtake you.  And all you want to do is wait for the next day to begin.   I can’t help but reflect on how can I shift this? I breathe in, move my calves up and down, and I settle into downward dog.  I release the tension in my shoulders, disseminating the weight throughout my hands and feet.   I center myself in this upside down V pose.   When you struggle in balancing poses or strength building poses, you turn to this safety net of downward dog.

Generally if I attempt this yoga pose at home, my dogs think I am impersonating their pouncing stance.   My English bulldog will crawl under my legs and chest that are folded into an upward v and head straight to my face to lick it.  Doing yoga at home is sometimes impossible because my dogs think it’s playtime, and who can avoid the lure of doggie wrinkles and sad eyes?  But today as I did my several asanas, they did nothing but watch.  They must have seen the weight of my stress and allowed me to have my space and release myself into the poses.

Forward Lunge

Day 3 Forward Lunge

Today I went back to a beginner’s class, which was a nice ease from yesterday’s exhaustive moves.  This studio encourages the use of straps, blocks, and blankets.  In many yoga studios, you only use a block if it is necessary.  Oddly here as soon as you drop you roll your matt on the floor, you automatically grab all the necessary yoga accessories.  Hence you are more apt to use these devices.  I can only speak for myself, but generally in classes, I do not want to look like a beginner so I avoid any assistance and only modify if highly necessary, for moves like chautaranga. 

Today we seemed to use blocks for half of the poses.  And they felt different, slightly easier with assistance.  We moved our way into forward lunge, encouraged to keep our backs straight.  The teacher said something that stuck with me.  “I don’t care how far you reach, what I care about is to create more room within.”   It stayed with me after class, in the aspirations we grasp for in our lives.  Is it to prove to others that we have made it or we are worthy?  Are our aspirations true to ourselves or did others create them for us? This phrase and doing this simple pose in this manner reminded methis pose is only for me, not anyone else.  And my goal should be just to  be the most authentic me I can today. 

This is a familiar pose for many, as it is not essentially solely yoga, but also a stretching pose for runners or gym rats.  One foot is bent and stretched forward, as the other is lined in the back straight off the ground, both hands generally to the floor.

The instructor smiled throughout the class, and I thought she truly enjoys what she does, and those who take her class appreciate it.   Her words were slow, the poses gentle, as she must have been cognizant of the lazy Sundays people yearn for.  She talked with ease, sounded centered, and brought a bell at the end of class to bring us back from savasana.  I couldn’t help but reflect on my career path and current job.  I truly do not like who I’ve become in this job, or the past several jobs I’ve had.  Part of it is the sense of entitlement and lack of appreciation I sense  from those I work for.    But this job isn’t me.  Currently I’m simply answering emails, this is what my 40 hour a week job consists of.  A doctorate to reply to emails.  Last year, I worked with active duty soldiers, burned out with the trauma they faced.  The past two years I’ve lost the urge to help those I’m working with, but I realize deep down I still have that urge of wanting to help bring a sense of peace to others, just in a different capacity. 

And so I try to remind myself, it’s not how far I am stretching, but am I making space in my life to bring out this authentic me?   Can I utilize some type of assistance so I can free up space and correct my metaphorical posture in order to be me? 

I realize the importance of being in a profession that aligns with your authentic self.  Not only are you happier, and will remain doing this type of work.  But those you serve will sense this and express a sense of gratitude for all you do

crow pose

Day 2: Crow Pose

Imagine balancing the weight of your knees and your entire body just slightly above your elbows.  This is crow pose.  There is a variation of crow that one must do before you literally jump into chautranga.  I struggle with the simplicity of chautaranga, let alone doing an even more difficult pose to ease my way into the bane of my existence.  One of my goals for the past several years is to do chautranga, almost a mere push up.  But this new twist makes chautranga feel like a resting posture. 

My Saturday morning class was taught by a younger blonde guy.   I wondered if he was a substitute instructor, or just got his yoga 200 hour teaching certificate.  I was surprised as he began talking that he was British, it added more respect and worldliness to his 21 year old  Midwestern college boy look.  In the beginning of the class as we stood in tadasana (mountain pose), with our eyes closed, he gave us instructions to “make a wish.”  

This was supposed to be a moment of stillness, but my mind ran rampant with wishes.  I wish I could do chautaranga, a headstand, and can do this yoga teacher training.  I wish it all works out.   Then I started going crazy with my wishes.  It seemed as if he gave us a whole minute to conjure our wish in tadasana.  How simple this command was, but how freeing.  If a teacher has you offer up your practice generally it’s to something universal, like world peace, your ancestors, or a recent international tragedy.  But today, it was up to me.  That prolonged moment of silence was followed by an intense sixty minute arm strength and balance workout.  This was not relaxing or freeing, as I continued to look at the clock throughout the class.  Get me out of here.

My self conciousness was heightened each time we tried to do crow, and then chautaranga.  This was so out of my reach.  When I attended classes at 24 hour fitness, an instructor might push you to do this asana once.  Maybe there was one student in the class that do the pose briefly.  Today in this official yoga studio, it seemed as if at least 75% of the class was doing these advanced poses.  Nobody was laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation.  I did not even want to try to attempt some of these positions. 

I began to wonder why did I attend this class?  It was only a level 2, but felt like it should be advertised as a level 10.  I looked around the room, everyone seemed to have expensive yoga mats.  I think mine was the only one that was less than $10.  This middle aged woman next to me later was doing these arm balances that could top any 1980’s breakdancer.  Her strength was amazing.  I didn’t want to crawl into child’s pose, so I did the visual of attempting these challenges.  But my heart wasn’t in it.  I feared falling, and I feared breaking some bone I didn’t know existed or falling on my face. 

The whole class was filled with more of what I wished for: practices of chautaranga and even headstands.  I can do headstands against a wall for support but rarely have the chance to do them in class.  Instructors generally opt for other inversions.   I slowly tried to move my feet away from the wall and for 2 seconds, I’m in a free standing headstand, before my feet hit the wall again. 

The never ending class continued with more awkward moments, we had to spot someone in doing a full wheel, better known as backbend.  I hate these moments having to spot a stranger.  A 40 something black woman with dreads was my partner.  Her mat was in front of mine, and I noticed she could do these arm balancing poses without fear.   I wondered how long she had been attending these classes.   As instructed, I held onto her legs as I pulled up into bridge.  It was awkward, I could feel her prickly hairs as if she has yet to shave, and I had to pull harder on her ankles to pull myself up for 5-8 breaths. 

Then it was my turn to spot.  I’m not strong, I just didn’t want to drop her.  As she lifted herself up, I got a peak of her unshaven armpit hairs.  This is not an everyday experience, especially by someone of another ethnicity.  It was as if she had afros growing out of her pits.  But I had to focus on spotting her into a full wheel.  And I did.  The awkwardness subsided as the exercise ended.  “Have you gone to his class before?”  I asked.  “”Oh, ya, I try to go to his one in Southbay, but I try to catch him here when I can. I began to wonder how people subject themselves to this kind of torture repeatedly seeking it out, and following his itinerary throughout LA on a weekly basis .  My new hairy friend said “his classes are usually pretty tough.”  I appreciated her openness, as I wasn’t the only one who thought this was outside the normal yoga class.

And so the crow serves it’s purpose, an aspirational goal.  I don’t have to know how to do this now, or several years from now.  But I can build on that.  Having others in the class who can do crow is in some ways threatening and self depreciating.  Yet in reframing things.  When you’re the best in the class, there’s not always room to grow.  Yet, when you are in a room full of others who can do this goal you are attempting, you have witnesses and models present to ensure you it can be done

Child's Pose

Day 1 Child’s Pose

It’s interesting to me that we sometimes have to be re-taught how to do something so simple, like child’s pose.  There’s not much to it.  Kneel on the ground, arms stretched out, and bring your butt to your feet. It’s almost like a prayer.  A yoga resting pose, but as I did this, I was corrected.  Arms further out, toes pointed together, with feet separated.  This is the child’s pose.  Isn’t this one of the easiest poses out there since it is a resting pose?  Have I been doing the pose wrong all this time or was it just today?

Today I sat in on a yoga class, utilizing my one week free yoga pass found online to sample my first class at the Yoga Works studio in Larchmont.  It was more of a beginning class, and so I felt comfortable in being able to accomplish all asanas demonstrated today. 

I have been contemplating doing a yoga teacher training at this studio and other studios for the past several years, but need an instructor to sign off on a my application.  I asked the instructor before and after class, she pushed it until later.  At the end upon request, she did not sign the form, but requested I sit in on another instructor’s class.  She reminded me of the cost of yoga teacher training, commitment, and necessity to jive with the styles of the teachers for that series.   I began to question any other underlying motivation behind this.  Did she not think I was prepared enough? Was it another way for the studio to get more money? Was she trying to veer students to take her yoga teacher training course taught later?  But I chose to stop myself before I catastrophized even further. 

Child pose. Resting

I wonder why this specific pose was given this name.  Many of the poses exemplify the image of their name: triangle, warrior, cat, cow, and downward dog.   But how is this a child? I never have seen a child lie like this.  Arms outstretched and feet back.  Calm but not sleeping.  But I think it’s more to the actual name.   Be like a child, relax, forget about other responsibilities.  If another pose is too difficult, you can return here to rest by catching your breath or centering yourself. 

Anyone can do this pose.   And there is this submission quality to this pose.  You are submitting to the moment, where you are, that you need a break from the other more difficult poses.   Your head is not exposed, arms outstretched.  It’s as if you are bowing to life.  Take me now, I am here.  Bowing, appreciation.

And so I take this pose today.

Submitting to life and the world. To this moment.

And it’s enough.

MY TOP 5 CRAZY TRAVEL ADVENTURES

I couldn't help but think today, that when I travel I am more adventurous.  A courage springs up inside me like no other, and it's not liquid courage, but travel courage.  When I'm away from home, I allow myself to have the freedom to try wacky things.  These would be things at home I would make a million excuses not to do.

5. Hitchhike- I've done this in Kauai solely because I heard this was the norm for locals and tourists to do.  A friend and I were car-less on a several day trip, and pulled out our thumbs on the side of the busiest rode in Kauai to hike to a beach 10 miles away.  We survived, but opted to take the returning bus home.  But we did it!

4. Travel with a stranger- If you travel solo in Europe and stay in hostels, you can't help but befriend strangers from around the globe.  There were times when I met people and for the next two weeks we morphed our travel plans to align.

3. Skinny dip- The only two times I skinny dipped were in Malta.  But I was punished by the Maltese jellyfish who bit me five times.

2. Lie to the mafia- In the past, I had travelled with naivete and got myself in predicaments that were unpleasant. To get out of them I had to lie. In Paris, offered to buy this Chinese couple who offered me cash a Louis Vuitton, only to find out they were from the Chinese Mafia.  If i did this I would be banned from Louis Vuitton forever.  To get out, I had to lie. Tip learned, be open to the world, but be smart.

1. Walk around an active volcano- last year on the Big Island of Hawaii, when Pele was a little more irate, we took a backyard tour of her anger.  We stood above magma oozing from rocks several feet away and were told not to stand still or we could potentially fall in.  Crazy but beautiful.

So now I ask you, what five crazy things have you done on your expeditions?

hope of travel

there's something about the planning of travel that gives you hope.  hope for a new experience, crossing something off your bucket list, other stories to share at cocktail parties.

 traveling to a destination that you've been longing for that momentarily lifts you out of the monotony of daily life.  you know your routine will definitely be broken, if only for a week.  and you have gratitude for  your 9-5 job benefits.

and we finally arrive, the trip is illuminating.  and somehow we splurge a little more than we ever would back home. time passes by quickly, yet comparitively it's stretched.  we've squeezed so much into our days, but return home longing for more.

it's always a process.  a cycle of monotony-hope-anticipation-actualization-lingering-monotony.

and i can't help but yearn for more.

3 things needed

there are 3 things needed for travel: money, time, and health.  you will rarely have all 3 together, so when you have at least 2/3 you must go!

this quote sticks with me. and yet for the past year my travel has been minimal.

 i've been moving back and forth throughout the country for the past 8 years, which finally has crept up on me. i've since gotten married and settled, not just with a man, but in one place...LA.  i relish in my travel stories, but have been all talk this past year with no action.

as one who has a perpetual travel bug, i feel the guilt of not having gone anywhere.  not from an outside person but for my soul.  i'm young, healthy, and could save money for an expedition.  why not go?  but i've overloaded myself with moves, job changes, and wedding plans that took precedence over good ole traveling.  and now that the wedding has passed and all of the boxes have been unpacked, i can again plan.

recent conversations with friends last week reminded me of who i am at heart.  a traveller.  and attending the la times travel expo with the likes of rick steves, arthur frommers, and lisa ling truly gave me a kick in the ass.  validation, there's no time but now.

and today i vow i will go to at least two dream destinations this year...

where to?


i generally create a list of the top 10 countries to visit, just waiting to cross the next one off my list.  i may do a vision board collage or have a paradise screensaver.   but my next ideal destination is stateside.

sedona arizona.  dreams of red rock, a vortex, and tranquility fill my curious mind.

and the international destination still being explored.   the site for our honeymoon.....
it's between 3 sets
           paris and morocco
           japan and thailand
           solely cuba

where do you vow to go this year?
choose one stateside and one international locale.

once you verbalize it you are one step closer to assuring it will occur.
you are accountable in this internet world.