days 23-25

today, on new years eve, i felt relieved knowing only 5 days left existed of this bikram. not as bad these past several days.

day 23, i received an email from my yoga studio reminding me only 7 days left before my one month membership expires. it's reality.

i stopped weighing myself, trying to hope to lose 1-2 lbs. i've accepted it.  in the meantime, i have been eating more, but not been gaining weight. so maybe there's something to tthat.

i'm pleased with myself that i am going to accomplish one major goal with 2011 just beginning.  10 more goals for the year to go.

day 22

this day i tried to devote to my 22nd year. my first year of grad school, first time away from home, some relationship problems, not too bad. the year prior yes.  as i tried to do ho o pono pono to that year, what came up was anger for my old boss. the reason i moved to hawaii in the first place. i still harbor anger for him and the financial situation i am in. i know i had to work on ridding this.  i thought the anger left when i left the job, but it was still residing in me.  8 more days. i come to class after work extra early, to get in almost a 20 minute nap.  the class was extra full, probably due to the holidays. can't wait to end.

day 21

day 21 of  the cleanse...as i laid in savasana i tried to do ho o pono pono to me and my situation. i love you please forgive me thank you.  what came to me at the end of class was day 21, 9 more days left.  what if i dedicated the next 9 days to each year of my life.  i am only 31 so this would be fitting.  i thought of how every year there is usally some type of problem or struggle i endure, most of my time focused on relationships, but it spread to family, finances, career, etc.  maybe the remaining 9 days could forgive/absolve the weight of those years in my body. just as bikram supposedly brings up old wounds both physical and emotional to heal, maybe it could do the same for years in your life.

19 and 20

there was a break in 19 and 20, by one day. thank the lord for xmas! that break was not long enough, ironically the day i did not do yoga was a day my face broke out in acne.  also i went to the beach for xmas, no swimming, but i was surely sweating. my fiance joked how yoga was not needed that day,  i was detoxifying through my sweat. he joked of how gross it was, but i guess i was so used to sweating daily, dripping with sweat not just my clothes but towels, it felt like nothing. 

i am trying to do more with savasanas, instead of plainly looking at the ceiling, trying to repeat a mantra.  i learned in a recent yoga philosophy class that our mantras should carry with them a devotion to god or our higher power. how could i remind myself in bikram i was letting go of myself to connect with god?  sometimes i just wanted to get past triangle and straight to the floor.

after that one day break, balancing was slightly more difficult.  1/3 of the way done. how much free time will i have when this is over? i will truly be grateful for that.

days 17 and 18

day 17: i entered a class full of masochists..the 530 am class on a wed morning.  i pushed it to early due to starting work late. i was surprised how full the class was before the class even started.  why?  i knew why i was doing this only 30 days in a row, but these people surpassed this i am sure.

day 18:  went to this class late 715 pm. it was a struggle to not just start my xmas break early from everything.  but this class was not as horrible as some others.  maybe it felt like i took a day off, b/c i spread out these two courses. or the room was a reasonable amount.  or i was tearful all day and body needed  a release.  as i was in the class, and my life was falling apart. i tried to remind myself that yoga's meaning is union with god.  how can i devote this class to god, maybe it would make it easier.  during the brief savasanas, i thought instead of simply staring at the ceiling, what can my mantra be?  i could use my new found mantra during meditations of "god is love, i am a vessel..."  so much is crumbling around me, the only answer is to surrender your life to god.

i thought of how most of my life i have held everything in to be there for everyone...family, friends, relationships, patients....but my anger in the meantime has been stored in my back (hence back problems). i was made aware of this , this year through a chiropractor and eft .  and now it's pure pain...hawaii has been a difficult experience moving here this time around, nothing but pain and drama.  but maybe it is release.  surrendering to the next stage in life.  and maybe with yoga that next stage can happen here..

i hate bikram!

as i slightly pass the halfway mark, i thought i would see major dramatic changes in my life.  possibly lose weight, not yet one pound.  my flexibility varies by day.  i can't say i see a dramatic change.  i still despise bikram, don't love it anymore. in fact i think people who love bikram are masochists.  why do you endure this and teach this? the only thing i can see is that i have made this far reaching goal and sticking to it.  if i can stick to this i can stick to meditation at least 5 days a week.  i heard that bikram heals old wounds.  possibly true.  during class at times while going to awkward pose my ankle hurts, is that bringing up an old broken bone i hurt when i was 15 jumping on a trampoline?  also my eyes have been really sore, rehealing my lasik surgery.  an abnormal pap smear reoccurred, biopsy tomorrow. is that resurging b/c of bikram? and i have much more irritable, depressed, guilty, and angry.  linked to residual depression or is it simply holiday woes? i am used to workouts making you feel good, but i feel like shit. proud i accomplished a day of class. but like shit.

almost halfway

days 13 and 14.  it's easier to do yoga in the morning, knowing i have the day still ahead of me.  but as i near day 15 today, i wonder why am i sticking to it? still no changes in weight.  it has been one thing i have been religious about, carving the necessary time to go, even if i can't carve out 5 minutes for meditation daily.  i am counting down the days until i am done. i hate to be so negative about this.  but can 30 days really change you? i still have soreness in my back, when i have troublesome patients or soreness in stretching in my legs.  people have claimed this experience is life altering, yet to see for me. i cannot connect with this fascination for bikram, and ironically i enjoy yoga as a whole. but bikram yuck!

is it worth it?

days 11 and 12.  I am nearing the halfway mark and i'm wondering is this work and time really worth it? i leave for work at 630 am, after yoga i get home at 730 pm. remind me why am i doing this? i made a vow to myself. i promised i would do the 30 day challenge. i am . but not truly seeing results physically. today, was a small class, the instructor corrected me and others repeatedly. what the hell have i been doing for the past 12 days?   bikram really is about releasing the yoga, and practicing meditation but weight ? no.

Nearing 1/3

day 9: surprisingly the prediction was right. this was a good class. no nausea. simplified. felt my body, especially shoulders were stretching more than they ever have been in that class.  for several days my face seemed to be clearing up, i had a glow.  but after day 9, i totally was breaking out.  skin detoxing? possibly.

day 10: overall the class went well. this was a tough one to go to.  due to scheduling, i attended the latest class of the day 715 pm. this is rough, you really have to motivate yourself after you have gone home from work, then yoga.  my fiance was encouraging me to take the day off and watch movies. tempting as it was to simply veg out, i stuck to my goal of 30 days in a row. i got to class 5 minutes before it started, leaving only front row center open. i took it. and looking into the mirror wasn't so bad. actually liking what i saw.

days 7 and 8

day 7: surprisingly went well, minimal sweating.  I wondered, did i sweat it all out already? it was somewhat frustrating to weigh myself this morning, realizing one whole week of masochism and not one pound dropped. in fact it looked like i was gaining weight. but i committed to 30 days, and i stick to my promises i make (even to myself).  I guess I am one who likes to push some type of crazy discipline, vs. times of vices.  For many years I was a pescatarian.  I tried again recently, but lasted only for a month b/c I began getting sick. Heightened allergies.  I will now just eat meat in moderation.  I realize it is good to cleanse (even annually), knowing you can steer away from vices. But again, everything in moderation.

day 8: this class was pure hell.  from the initial breath work in the first 15 minutes, i felt nauseous.  i was curious if i should have left.  i literally felt like throwing up the entire time.  i was burping my lunch from 5-6 hours ago.  but i stuck through it.  at times, it did improve if i was spitting up phlegm into my shirt or towel.  purely disgusting, i would never do this outside of the bikram room.  after class, i talked to the receptionist.  she said this was normal, and this simply is going to a deeper level of detox.  Detoxing...sugars, processed foods, amino acids, proteins.  I should take it easy the next day, drink salt, and avoid processed foods. isn't everything processed?

days 4 and 5

my days 5 and 6 were so close together, not enough time to blog...
day 5: friday night.  although I do not love bikram, i was looking forward to it.  it rained all day, which brought chills to the air in hawaii.  although it was only the low 70s, it felt like the 60s.  i had perpetual goose bumps for the day.  so i didn't really mind going to be in 120 degrees for an extended amount of time. better instructor, who seemed to enjoy what she was doing, vs. the ones I've had who spoke in monotonous tones. she actually did some corrections to us, spending extra minutes with us vs. getting out early.

day 6: a male instructor, cute, nice body. i can see why men like having young vibrant female instructors.  it makes things easier. yet with your focus being on your body, you don't even focus on his body. he was rigid (in his teachings). it's 120 degrees, you're "sweating like a lechon" (as my mom would say, aka roasted pig). i always wipe my face and grab water. he discouraged this, stating that was our mind distracting us. if we can sit in the discomforts, it will pass.  preparing for day 7, want to do it early. get it out of the way. but i am discouraged. i think i am gaining weight. how is that possible? not much change in my life now.  if i didn't make that self commitment, i would actually quit. no reason to stay involved with this much work. i thought of all the salty sweat coming off my body, dripping. it's like my body is crying. which it needs to. but this is pure masochistic behavior. who would do this to themselves b/c of enjoying it? i can see it as detox but on a regular basis? no

day 4

Day 4: i was so exhausted prior to class, stayed up late with friends the night before.  On my drive from work to yoga, i had to blast dance music to stay awake.  i arrived at yoga early, sat in the room 30 minutes early.  and took a nap.  i did feel refreshed afterwards, and knew the yoga would wake me up.  there was a pregnant lady in class today, I wondered how can you succumb yourself to this? i barely want to do this solo.  after class, my hunger was still low.  but my fiance was finishing making a big bowl of pasta, how can you turn that down?  almost 1/6 of the way done.

Day 3

I entered day 3 with now an expected routine.  I chose an earlier class which was during work hours.  I had taken a half day and did not mind.  Ironically someone was in the class I knew....My boss.  I was aware he went to this studio, but the same class, our mats next to each other!  Luckily we get along and share discussions on our intrigue of yoga.  Although there was a different instructor, the format was the same.  She made more corrections, which at times were directly to me.  Time went slightly faster.  Now that I was done by 500 my appetite for dinner returned.  No weight loss yet.  I do not understand how that is possible.   What is this all for?

day 2

Day 2 of the Bikram Challenge: prior to the class beginning, I laid in savasana adjusting my body to the room's temperature.  I think I fell asleep, couldn't I just lay here for 90 minutes and pretend I am on the beach?  Why did I sign up for this?  But I stayed for the entire class. The time went quicker, but minutes still dragged on midway.  Since the same asanas I used, I knew the overall setup for the class, but still am reminded of how new I am. The instructor made comments on how to perfect our stance, and I know they were targeted towards me.   I still questioned why did I do this or why do people love Bikram?  Surely it is not relaxing, but you do feel accomplished after each class.  I conquered this and I can do anything.

Day 1 of The Bikram 30 day Challenge

Day 1s of any change are always the worst.  The Bikram 30 day challenge was my new monument to conquer.  It was already set as one of my goals for 2011, so why not ring in the new year with it already in motion?  For those who do not know Bikram is hot yoga, 90 minutes in a room squeezed in with as many people as possible doing 26 main asanas (or postures).  How hot? 105 -120 degrees!  I laid in savasana 15 minutes before the class started, so my body could get used to the room.  Do not know if it helped.  The first pose was basically breathing, and in simply doing this I was already sweating way more than I do in many of my other yoga classes.  There were many reasons I was doing the Bikram 30 day challenge.
1. weight loss (I heard people lose up to 15 lbs. in a month)
2. perpetual back problems (scoliosis)
3. detox
4. further my yoga skills
5. try something new
Entering the studio, I felt this was a sense of community, that maybe I was lacking.  Recently upon moving to Hawaii, most of my friends have moved or in the process of leaving.  Half of my co-workers will be leaving within a 2 month time frame.  Yesterday I was so full of emotions and frustration, I felt that starting this was my only way out next to severing my relationship with my fiance (who was recently laid off).  During the class, I kept looking at the clock 90 minutes never seemed so long. At points I felt nauseous.  The class started at 530, ended at 700 pm.  When I left, I had no appetite for the night.  No wonder people lose weight, in addition to sweating up to several pounds of water off your body in one session, you feel nauseous and lose your appetite.  I committed, 29 more days to go!