new project

well the master cleanse is on hold for me currently.  i procrastinated a little bit with so many work parties, and anthony cooking extravagant meals at home.  and most recently an illness. i've been sick for 2-3 months with allergies. went to an urgent care (why is it that healers are hard headed about seeking help?) being prescribed a nasal spray, prednisone, and an inhaler (for asthma i had as a pre-teen)! so food necessary this week, but i know this master cleanse is looming.  i checked the scale today, yikes, yes necessary.

in the meantime, while i eat, i have signed up for this online meditation course. 6-10 week format. i realize if i recommend mindfulness to others, i truly need to adhere/experience it myself.  i have been accepted into it, received the materials. now onto the practice.  currently i do 5 minutes a day, on workdays (when it is most needed). but my morning's major power struggle with the dogs showed me i need to practice this daily.

100 goals revised

I realized I had repeated some goals, so these ones will be changed out...

-I have gone to Kona's cofee festival and had sessions with Norman Allen (ashtanga)
-I have become a speicalist in Jungian psychology/theory
-I donate to charities on a regular basis
-I will add an additional component to Mama Minda's annual medical retreat, of wellness.

i realized some goals were repetitiive. And I wouldn't be surprised if i continue to change some out, as they are accomplished. all goals are on notecards, laminated, with photos, in a nicely collaged box.  precious, time consuming, but easy to reflect on and further visualize.  (any way to do a piece of my collage work).

writing retreat exercise

a simple exercise from the writing retreat, reflecting from your past, writing about/to a person who was part of it...surprised this popped up.

Joanne

She collected porcelain dolls.  Although her features were everything but delicate.  She had tight brunette curls that were not always brushed.  She wore pink or white nightgowns every day, only dressing up for the occasional doctor appointment.  Her plump body relied on the assistance of a walker, at the old age of 40.   The borders of her world were within the condo’s manicured lawn.  Yet in her bedroom, dreams, and adventure were possible.

Her intimate room was lined with hundreds of fragile dolls with brightly colored dresses and tightly tied white shoes, from different eras and worlds.  I am certain she conversated with them hearing their  pains and treasures through their wind up individualized songs.

We were an unlikely pair.   In a midwetern  town, a 5-year-old biracial girl and mid life Caucasian crippled hermit.  Yet somehow Joanne was my best friend.

My expedition next door occurred weekly and included assisting with the creation of French toast meals, caring for her poodle, and watching the Disney channel.  As other kids my age watched cartoons and sesame street, Anne of Green Gables and Avonlea whispered  in the background as we cared fore each porcelin princess.

I thought the movies were for my growth and pleasure.  Anne, an orphan rebelling against her town and pursuing her love of education.  But in reality, Joanne watched Anne’s fiery spirit as a wayto see achievement and adversity through the tv, since it could not exist in her world.

Our friendship endeared for two more years.  We moved out of the condo complex, still residing in the same town.  My parents continued to bring me over of our weekly fantasy trips to a world of Green Gables and porelin dolls.  I invited Joanne to my First communion and other birthday functions, but her illness kept her from attending.  I brought my world to her with my brother and cousins sharing their youthful energy, she shared her dolls and Gables.

Shortly after our move, we received a phone call from Joanne’s sister.  Her illness finally took her life.  At 7, my experience with death was new.  My parents encouraged further worldly education as we went to the viewing.

I walked up to the casket.  Joanne looked at peace and youthful in her pink night gown.  I did not know what to say, except to give a farewell kiss on her cheek. 

Several days after, Joanne’s sister called again.  The will had been read, Joanne had left me (a 7 year old neighbor) with 20 porcelin dolls.  I knew this was her wealth and vitality, and felt honored to receive this final gift.  Although I did not fully understand the concept of death and wills, I knew my best friend was gone.  I vowed at her death, if I ever had a daughter, she would be named after my magical friend Joanne.

I cannot recall the minute details of her illness, death, and even her last name.  But every once in awhile, I think of her, and how even though the confines of her home, she nursed my sense of education, wonder, and spirit for the world.  And maybe the 7 year old in me brought hope for a future she knew she could not carry out. 

Over 20 years later, the dolls still sit dormant in my parents’ attic, awaiting their next adventure. 

101 goals

101 goals (initial list)

In writing these over the span of several months, i realized i repeated some (guess that means those are high priority). I placed them all on laminated note cards with photos.  So there will be some changes. The finished product will be this weekend!  Here is the start.

Spiritual

1.      I am aware daily of the presence of god in everything (om)

2.      I have received darshan by amma

3.      I meditate daily and am centered

4.      I am grateful for all aspects of nature daily.

5.      I express gratitude daily.

6.      Everyday is filled with enjoyment, smiles, laughter, and fun.

7.      I continually strive to build my spirituality and have it part of my central life.

8.      I have found my guru.

9.      I see beauty and God in everything daily.

10.  I feel at peace and centered daily.

11.  I remain in the present moment.

Mentors

1.      caroline myss is my mentor.

2.      I have met President Obama.

3.      I have met Oprah

4.      I have met Anthony Robbins and he is my mentor.

5.      Bessel Van der Kolk is my mentor.

6.      I have trained with Seanne Corn, off the mat into the world.

Career

1.      I am a successful travel writer, well known

2.      I have a certificate in trauma yoga

3.      I run a successful import/export business.

4.      I am a successful feng shui consultant.

5.      I am part of a collaborative creative collective producing something successful.

6.      I am an international consultant

7.      My book was made into a successful movie.

8.      I am an entrepreneur.

9.      I own a successful coffee shop.

10.  I engage in a successful collaborative project with a famous musician (which I created).

11.  I have award winning photography exhibits

12.  I am a best selling author.

13.  I have created a successful line of green action bracelets.

14.  I have an international chain of successful coffee shops.

15.  I will create successful multiracial projects

16.  I have my own international tour group/retreats.

17.  I have my 200 hour yoga teacher certification.

18.  I am my own boss/time is on my side.

19.  I have write successful pet gift books.

20.  I have created and held my own conference.

21.  I am part of an artistic community with my art work in travelling exhibits.

22.  I own a profitable green business, giving back to the environment.

23.  I have directed an award winning documentary.

24.  I will sell my own coffee beans and brew successfully.

25.  I have successfully mastered baking pastries, which I sell in my coffee shop.

26.  I have a certificate in energy psychology.

27.  I have written a successful travel series of books.

28.  I have captured beautiful local photographs displayed in exhibits.

29.  I have photography funded travel expeditions contracted by travel magazines.

Travel

1.      I am learning about the Hawaiian culture, healing, land, and people.

2.      I will return to Greece and visit Turkey

3.      I have taken an adventurous trip to Costa Rica

4.      I have gone to Sedona Arizona.

5.      I will take a leisure trip to the Amalfi Coast.

6.      My travels are environmentally friendly.

7.      I have bathed in the Ganges River.

8.      I have gone to Egypt.

9.      I have gone to Japan.

10.  I have gone to Thailand. (twice)

11.  I have gone to South Africa.

12.  I am going to a new country every year.

13.  I will have comfortably visited and know all the Hawaiian islands.

14.  I have gone to Australia.

15.  I have gone to Cuba.

16.  I have gone to Montreal.

17.  I have gone to Peru.

18.  I have gone to the Vatican.

19.  I have gone to Argentina.

20.  I have gone to India

21.  I have gone to Brazil.

22.  I have gone to Kenya.

Relationships

1.      I spend quality time with friends and family.

2.      I will have a gorgeous wedding and reception that is free.

3.      I am happily married.

4.      I have fun girl/ get away trips.

5.      I frequently spend quality time with my family.

Success

1.      I stay focused on setting and attaining goals.

2.      I own an international vacation home.

3.      I own the home I am living in.

4.      I own a 2500 sq ft. home with a manicured lawn and enough space to hold retreats.

Financial

1.      I maintain a savings of $50,000-$100,000.

2.      I have additional sources of income.

3.      I am financially free

Self

1.      I read and complete two books per month

2.      I only wear clothes I love.

3.      I take pride in how I dress daily.

4.      I get massages twice a month.

5.      Each activity I do is filled with passion and inspiration.

6.      I volunteer monthly.

7.      I have skydived.

8.      I maintain a clean and entertaining home.

9.      I find luck follows me daily.

10.  Everyday I have bursts of joy, inspiration, and relaxation.

11.  I will stay in the holiday spirit annually.

Health

1.      I maintain a healthy weight at 128.

2.      I enjoy paddleboarding.

3.      I only eat desserts that are completely satisfying.

4.      I practice mindful eating, gratitude for meals.

5.      I have completed the 30 day bikram yoga challenge.

6.      I can do a freestanding headstand with ease.

7.      My back and neck remain calm and relaxed on a daily basis.

8.      I do chautraungas easily.

9.      My passion for dance is fulfilled weekly.

10.  I engage in an annual cleanse and detox.

11.  I consistently maintain my health and build strength.

delay on master cleanse

so this week i was to start the master cleanse in a group setting. delayed. possibly my doing.  i am okay with that. having a fiance as a chef, who is trying new recipes, well it's quite hard to commit to 10 days of starvation.  but it will happen.

it's funny new years resolutions people do.  many times with their diet. i heard of two new ones recently. one is the paleolithic diet: basically eating as they did in the olden days: hunters and gatherers, minus the carbs and sugar (and caffeine) yikes. i think the goal for these people was months..  i know i was going to starve myself but for 10 days. a fast, i've done it before. but months? and then there was this separate diet. unclear of the name (something after a saint or apostle), basically a vegan diet.  vegetarian, plus no dairy cheese etc. (or anything with animal products).

it's funny in retrospect i did the bikram, and now being off it for two weeks, i seem to lack the energy to go to the gym more than twice a week. how difficult it can be to do something that sticks.  i keep saying i'll give myself several weeks of a break. but is break time over?

yoga for family

today i had a phone conversation for my brother, who is 28 and feels he's developing carpal tunnel syndrome. he has no insurance currently, but is having these issues.  i recommended one specific move from bikram and yoga overall to him.  oddly he seemed to accept the request, this is from someone who has laughed off my linkage to yoga (as little brothers do).  i know the effectiveness of yoga within me to spread and share with others is there. it has been there, sharing it with co-workers and friends. but possibly as a teacher? is that possible?

back to the basics

after several days off from any workout, i returned to my usual yoga class.  only  held on the weekends and advertised as a vinyasa class, it is actually a kundalini class.  as i sat in the class, and did the sun salutations, i realized wow it's been one month since i did a sun salutation. though bikram is structured, it lacks the basic structure of yoga. no downward dog, child's pose, plank, or chataraunga. the latter being what i vowed to accomplish, and still struggle with.  i found myself relaxed by the teacher's voice.  comparative to stressed by the bikram leader's voice.  any kind of hatha or even ashtanga yoga seems to fit more with me. but i am glad i did bikram to know what discipline is required, the depths of structure, routine, and sweating. another thing it made me realize is 60 minutes is nothing, compared to the gruesome 90 minutes you undergo daily in bikram.

Life without Bikram

I have decided to continue this blog, even though Bikram has ended.  Yesterday, was my first day outside of my bikram challenge.  And I was sick.  The evening of my last bikram, I had trouble sleeping b/c of nasal congestion.  Maybe it's allergies, the vog (volcanic fog), or maybe it's being bombarded at work. But to be done with work and everything, and home before 5pm and sunlight...My life has returned.

This blog will continue.  Prior to the new year starting, several friends and myself created a list of 11 goals for 2011.  One goal on there was to complete the 30 day bikram challenge.  One goal that can be checked off the list.  A new one pending for later this month is the master cleanse.  But we are planning to start this as a group.  I have done it annually, but never as a group. The goal is to do another 10 days without food, solely the lemonade-maple syrup-cayenne pepper mix.  Each time i do the cleanse i hate it, and each time it's a different experience.  Not every time do i last the entire 10 days, but this will be the first time in a group setting.  That is pending. 

Many people set goals for the year, and so do I, as they are things to check off.  But i am realizing after you achieve these goals, the satisfaction may dissipate.  It is all about keeping it as practice in your daily life.  I will add my goals later, but i notice they are shifting..

For me what I want to change is an ongoing practice of creativity (writing), relaxation, self care, health, fitness, spirituality, love, gratitude, and connection (in some shape or form).  The question is how does this stay my focus for more than 10 or 30 days, but daily...

The completion

i ended the program with bikram 29/31 days.  part of me is focused on that one day i did not do, but another part recognizes i should be proud of my journey.  i did not lose any weight or have any life changing experiences.  but it was another goal i set for myself and achieved physically.  knowing the disdain i felt everyday, which sometimes was just mild disdain at it's best, counting down those 90 minutes.  what i did feel there was a sense of community.  the receptionists seemed to recognize me, i recognized familiar faces. we were all in that same place, same room, for that allotted time.  it was hard for me to free my mind completely in that class.  i  thought of not to do stuff as much as things that highly irritated me: my old boss, my decision to move to hawaii, financial worries.  it didn't make sense, as i stretched i thought of pain. but instead of freeing my mind, i realized maybe i really should look at these issues and see what pattern exists.  my job now everyone is leaving, my last job everyone left or had the urge to.  i am the one who is used to leaving, and somewhat have the urge to leave too.  but maybe god is giving me this opportunity to stick it out despite the drama, pain, wait for the wave to pass. then make a move. i heard negative things about bikram that it wasn't true yoga, true one-ness with god. but it's all perception. if all is god, so is this.  this pain, negativity, commitment is god.  it is what you make of it.  spirituality can be found anywhere, even in a sweaty room, filled with dozens of people, standing on one leg, simply trying not to fall.

the real 27th day

i entered this class begrudgingly, let this be over. i was having a horrible day, questioning again the meaning of life.  than i entered the studio, and people smiled, or said hello tricia.  i even had someone (who i never spoke to before) say they saw me yesterday with my dogs and waved but i didn't respond. in reality, i had not seen this person or recognize her.  the class was full but welcoming.  the instructor (and owner of the gym) was new to me and refreshed after coming off of a one month training in another country.  he brought new tools to the class.  new way of doing poses, which were contradictory to the strict formations given by other teachers.  he instructed us to give 85%, instead of 100%.  if you give 85% you will last longer, and not burn out, therefore better in the long run. hmmm, is it ok i will be doing 29 days instead of 30?

what was to be my 27th day

today was 27, a sunday. i woke up late (7am). dogs for a walk...thought we were going to the north shore, so delayed my bikram until the evening. no north shore, due to fiance's father not feeling ill. only cleaned. i took him to church, dropped him off, picked him up. went to bikram at 7pm. it was closed. no class!  i was so pissed. i misread the schedule. i wanted to be mad at everyone.. the yoga studio, anthony (begging me to take the day off, the secret it happened). but i knew i could only be mad at myself.   should i be hard on myself for falling off the wagon with only four days left?..maybe i could do it at home.... unbelievable. i decided instead to buy dinner and ice cream, give at a time i was angry.