so this is why people live in la....

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
John Barrymore

inspiration, motivation, and drive: these are three characteristics that LA is filled of, which people brings people to LA and tends to keep us here.   somewhere it's easy to lose this in not getting a part in a film, a connection you made falling through, or maybe not having enough money left over after paying rent.

yet, it's what keeps people in cities.  the hope of wanting more, the opportunities available, and the proof around you that people have achieved this.  i had heard once that silicon valley was strategically chosen for similar reasons, it was beautiful, close to stamford, young energy is around and there's this hunger to live in the million dollar homes around you and have that lifestyle.  yet the youth do not yet have the money to afford it so they work tirelessly in the hopes of achieving it.  people who wanted to be married and settled moved to the outskirts and suburbs, but in doing so they left behind some of that drive for more and harnessed that to their new families. it's easy to be discouraged after sometime and actually finally attain the house with a picket fence hours away in a small town.  to stay in cities, there's this possibility you may become jaded, stay poor, never actually make it, and have a feeling that the last ten years of your life were a waste.

but inside there's this glimmer of hope. 

        somewhere, 

            someway,

                 someday

                     it could be you. 

and sometimes that's all we need.  

celebrities are immortalized, and many times unnecessarily for talent they may not actually have.   but they are representations of our aspirations.  people who have been given the chance and succeeded.  once famous they are given the opportunity to cross all genres simultaneously writing, acting, producing, clothing lines, non-profits, international travels, multiple homes, investors, musicians, artists, poets, activists, restauranters, critics. it's perceived they are granted with the midas touch. 

if it happened to them it could happen to you.  

and sometimes that's all we need

to stay

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."-James Dean

learning to linger

“There are three things you need to travel: money, time, and health.  You will rarely have all three at the same time, so you have to go when there are at least two.” –Mark Starchman (friend)

For the longest time I wanted to backpack Europe.   There were various reasons it was not checked off as an achieved goal.  I complained about money, time, lack of friends to go with me.   Yet something miraculous happened.  All three items would simultaneously be present in my life.  The summer I was getting my doctorate I was  25 years old, had time before I started my new job, and had extra loan money to burn.    I taught myself how to travel.

Growing up my family’s vacations used the mini-van as our sole mode of transportation.  Our destination generally was my grandparents’ homes in Pennsylvania and at that time two miraculous trips to the Philippines to visit  more family.  Yet I was going to do something adventurous and teach myself how to travel internationally.  I purchased at least five to ten guidebooks for Europe, including everything from Europe for Dummies to Rick Steve’s Off the Beaten Path series.  I studied the books like I did  books on psychopathlology or Clinical interviewing, reading them intently, writing in the margins, and highlighting important points.

Originally I told all my friends, “I’m going to Europe for three months, who wants to come?”  Many people initially signed on, but few followed through.  In the end, two friends would join me at two different points on my trip.  Crystal, a friend from Los Angeles, agreed to meet up with me in Nice France.  We met up at coffee shops weekly to outline our route, which headed to  Monacao, Florence, Venice, and Rome in two weeks.  While I was with her we could splurge and stay in low end hotels, which complimented my hostel stays that encapsulated the rest of the stay.   We followed a travelers guide for single women, which encouraged us to wear rings on our engagement fingers to steer away unwanted advances.
Shoba, a colleague from grad school, would meet up with me in Cork Ireland and stay in a hostel, as we attended a two week Adlerian psychology conference.

I knew to plan my trip around these travelling companions, with two months to spare to my itinerary 15 countries were squeezed into this allotted time.  Little did I know how little would I get to squeeze into each country following the outline and pace of group travel tours.    I began to realize when I moved so fast, I wasn’t allowed to linger in cafes or with new international people I befriended in hostels.  The experiences I had were richer than any guidebook could place in it’s sidebars.  The learning curve taught me the next summer to slow down and leave some flexibility for my one month European trip, again solo.

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.- John Steinbeck

charlotte's belt

This belt never did fit my waist.  It was a classic 80’s eye catcher fit for the fashion of the Solid Gold dance floor.    Black leather, blinged out with both gold and silver.    My friend Taschka’s mother Charlotte gave it to me one day while visiting their Venice bohemian home.  I accepted the gift graciously, not used to receiving presents from friends’ parents, especially those I just met.  I always thought my waist would get thin enough to fit into this belt, and so I kept it. 

As time passed, I would admire Charlotte’s faith in Taschka’s creativity.  She funded her rent money, designer furniture, but most importantly her dreams of being a fashion designer and photographer. 

 In her 40’s, Charlotte was passionate, strong., and outspoken like her daughter.   We were all shocked when cancer attacked her body, claiming her life within several months of arrival.  I was out of the country and never got to visit her in the hospital or funeral home to say good-bye and thank her for the belt. 

Years later I’ve kept the belt, no longer hoping to fit in it, but to return it to Taschka.  I’ve brought it up in conversation, vowing to return it to her.   She negates saying, “it was my mother’s gift to you.” 

And  so it continues to sit in a box along with my other belts, shining like it’s original owner.   I know it’s still only on loan.  And when the time is right to return it to Taschka, she will see Charlotte’s love and faith smiling back in classy, flashy silver and gold. 

R.I.P.

Whenever people die I have this increased fascination of their life, and some regret I did not pay enough homage before to who they were.  I am drawn to reading about inspirational quotes, difficulties they overcame, and achievements along the way.  For a period they are immortalized, as their souls leave this earth we sing their praises, and that is how it should be for everyone that dies.  I don't know if this is an abnormal reaction to feel connected to those who have passed on.  People sometimes avoid the topic of death because it is too sad to recognize, but we need to embrace death.  In remembering, we celebrate.   There is grief but more of a sense of my soul being touched.  It's easier if I never personally met the individual, I am somewhat disconnected to the pure emotions of loss.  I am left with appreciation for them being on this earth. 


And so when Steve Jobs died yesterday this was repeated.  At first when I heard the news, there was a small sense of shock.  My fiance started the call with, "I have some bad news."  I immediately felt it was someone I knew.  It was sad, but a sense of relief I had not lost a family member.   I was shocked but disconnected.  Yet as the minutes passed, I thought how much my life was impacted by this man.  For the past 5-10 years my life has begun transforming to an apple domain.   Two apple laptops, i pod, and several versions of the i phone.  The way I communicate with the world is through apple products, all started from this one person.  A creation he made in a California garage with his friend 30 years ago.  He was part of a period that made technology and communication tangible and fun for the masses of people.  


Yet in his death what has been moving me is the quotes of how he lived his life.  Bound by his passions, perseverance, and confidence.  


"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure -- these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." (Steve Jobs, 2005)

So in losing Steve, I hope we remember how he chose to live each day.


RIP Steve, ,we have been touched and impacted by your visionary genius that changed how we create and dream

inspiration vs. trepidation

going to writers conferences can be like porn for me. full of excitement, fascination, addiction.  i'm drawn to almost any talk around me.  i'm revved up to write and soak in everything from all of my senses.

but also hearing the writers, their processes, and the method can purely shock me.   i begin to question every word that i write and have written, and lose the gusto i just built up. i am inspired to read but no longer write.

i sit in amazement of those who have achieved this path, and realize how accomplished they must feel.

getting your doctorate and an accompanying job, it has it's difficulties.  but it's pretty much guaranteed if you put in the hours, your paycheck will follow, and be expected.

writing and the arts, no matter what your skill, or the years you've put in, it doesn't equate with the payoff.  and that is where my gratitude and appreciation for artists prevail, in the courage to try.

the courage to go for it, regardless of the fact only critique may soon.

that is the heart of a passionate artist vs. a rational normal.

is there a balance?