Upward Dog

Day 10: Upward Dog

When I have slightly more strength than peaking up from cobra, or I completely bypass chautranga, I enter in Upward Dog.  Each time I enter into the asana, my lower back cracks, an area that doesn’t even appear to bother me.  I feel strong in this pose.  Your arms are strong holding your body up, legs straight off the floor, back arched.  Your gaze looks directly forward, and you know the next pose is going to launch into the opposite of this one: downward dog. 

I ended my two day writers conference, hopeful.  Hopeful of what may be next.  It was a Hay House conference that emphasized spirituality.  It incorporated some of the basic writing components, but enhanced it with how your essence or drive shouldn’t just be to be a bestseller but to help and serve others. 

Cheryl Richardson mentioned the day prior how she gave God and the Universe this ultimatum.  God grant her a sign of how to do this next step in her life and if it doesn’t happen, it is his will.  And so I decided to do the same, not to copy but to try it out for myself.  I was at a low point.  Lately, I felt my career has been going in circles, and each time I get farther from the source and the reason I entered this field.  I gave God 24 hours for a sign to enter my life.  I wrote a letter to God while in the conference yesterday, and now I wait.  The problem is it’s neared hour 24, and there has been no major sign.  There’s been bursts of small signs, but nothing major has popped out at me.

And so I begin to wonder does setting ultimatums to God really work?  And if signs were being sent to me, was I able to have the capacity to see them?   I position myself and upward dog, look forward, prepared to see the signs.  If no signs  emerge, somehow I must still continue to look forward and prepare myself for the next step that lies ahead.

full lotus

This weekend, I’ve chosen to volunteer all weekend for a reduced rate for a writers conference.  It’s interesting because you are sitting in a room of 100 people all interested in living the life of a writer, primarily memoir or self help.  Some craft techniques are taught, but underlying this is the guise of service towards others.  Cheryl Richardson spoke today of her initial desire to get on the NY Times Bestseller list, and how this unmet need of attention kept her from truly succeeding.  It was when she began having difficult times on this path of being a writer, that she understood the importance that her goal should not be fame or finance, but helping as many people as she could.  When this new goal emerged, the fame and accolades arrived too. Lesson being our ego gets in the way our true potential achievements.    

I couldn’t help but think of the synchronicity of this conference and my life.  It’s coming at a time, when I truly need it.  There’s been in a rut the past several years.  I start a new job, due to disdain from a previous one.  I have hope for a better working environment, more money, better location, and a deeper connection to my passion.   Each time I’m disappointed.  I feel as if the older I get, the more off track I am getting from myself.  I’m losing this person I once was.  I once was an automatic caregiver to those around me, and now my ears have become selfish.   It’s not that I want to be selfish.  There was simply a tipping point where I could no longer give, and it’s where I’ve remained. 

But in searching for external gratification, a higher paying job, wanting to be a published author, trying to become this acclaimed yogini, was I missing something?  I set goals, attain them, but happiness never is sustained.  Maybe a shift needs to be made.  A shift instead of trying to force happiness out of what I think I want to do with my life, asking God to do what I’m meant to do and how I can help and serve others.

Today I do a short series of sun salutations, and settle into full lotus.  I choose to hum several “oms” before attempting a meditation of five minutes.  And my word I try to meditate on is “grace.”  I’ve been hearing that word often this past week, and feel it’s brought on a new meaning.  Grace as divine assistance versus a pleasing effect.  This is difficult for me.  In trying just to meditate on grace, I try to visualize the word internally, the variety of fonts grace could be written in.  I try to visualize people I saw use this word in the past week.  Midway I wonder if I try to change the word to something simpler: love.  I stay with grace.  It’s been awhile since I sat in full lotus, I notice my foot is starting to feel slightly numb.  The five minutes end, I survive. 

forward fold

Day 8: forward fold

Morning after killer yoga class and my body is sore.  I attempted some asanas and feel soreness that wasn’t there yesterday.   As I bend into forward fold, a pose generally so easy for me that I don’t even view it as a pose, pain hits.  My lower back and the backs of my legs feel the stretch.  What happened to me?

As I bend into pose, your head drops, your arms fold at the elbows hugging each other, and your body is dropped to your knees.  This pose in some ways is like a resting pose, a settling into the ground, your body learning to release itself in an easy way, before it’s catapulted into plank and the rest of sun salutation.

I’ve noticed the changes yoga has afforded me in the past week.   Out of 7 days of my yoga works membership, I utilized 5.  I have a little more space in my pants, my butt must be diminishing.  When I walk on the ground, I notice how I try to center my feet and spread my toes.  But it has also been my frame of mind, it’s not a dramatic change.  I’m not in a forever state of “om” although I literally have it tattooed on my wrist.  It’s this realization of the importance of doing some type of meditation, of freeing your brain, and simply being.  Yoga is a movement meditation, but anything can be my yoga.

As I sit in forward bend, I remind myself that the difficulty and inability to do this pose today is different from yesterday, and it will be different again tomorrow.   This is where I’m at today.  The class yesterday may have caused pain today, but it will  only help further challenge and increase my strength and flexibility in the future.

chair

last day of my free week yoga pass to yoga works, ending with a bang.  initially i thought i would like the instructor, she played indian music in the  background and compared poses to life.  "throughout the class i want you to challenge yourself to use ujjayi breathing. if you did yoga five times a week with ujjayi breathing, it will change your life and release all that inner bullshit." i loved this, a calm yogini who cursed as she wanted her class to focus on their breath.  i think we could get along.  she would love my blogs.

 then the intensity hit, and my discomfort ensued.  it was not that i disliked her, i disliked the discomfort of the poses.  the sound of "chair" to those who are unknown to yoga sounds comfortable, but in reality i dread it.  the longer you sit in it, the more frequently i try to glance at the clock and wait for class to end.  but chair was just a sample of the ugh felt in class this afternoon.   she closed all the windows, ensuring we would not be distracted by the outside noise.  but in doing so, there was no air circulation on a hot afternoon in a class that was filled with probably 40-50 people, at certain points I almost bumped my face into the ass of the yogini in front of me.  this is not bikram, served at 105 degrees, where body is meant to drench with sweat. but it felt like it.  chair pose, sun salutations, crow pose, free standing headstands, sit-up like poses, warrior 3, bounded angle, all held in prolonged moments.  i lost my appetite after the class due to exhaustion and it was prime dinner time.  some seemed to excel, other took breaks.  i glanced around the room at times, since there were no mirrors around.  when those next to me dropped to child after prolonged intensity balancing on one leg in warrior 3, i allowed myself to drop.  although we are to do this at our pace, i couldn't help but compare.  if someone allows themselves a break, i deserve one too.  and i took it.

at the end of class, when sitting and humming om she said "thank all those here in class today, who made your practice possible.  all are separate, yet all are one."  we were here, by 5:30 the class was almost pitch dark, no lights on, windows  no longer shed sun in.  and we laid in savasana releasing air at our normal rate.  and it all felt like a dream.  the 90 minutes served as some type of meditative state.  the grueling nature of the poses were over, and laying in savasana i could truly let go.

the more i do yoga, despite the fact at times i can despise it, you can't deny it's meditative.  you are so focused on the poses: of the correct posture, your breath, the stretch, the sequence, strength, flexibility.  your mind momentarily does not wander, it can't.  because when you lose your concentration, you lose the pose.  this is my meditation today, and for 90 minutes the inner bullshit stopped.

cobra

Day 6: Cobra Pose

Today my chosen pose was cobra.  I wanted something standardized, part of the sun salutation, that was manageable.    I chose this pose because I witnessed my husband stretching as he watched tv.  I only dragged him to yoga once, but he tends to replicate yoga poses.  I told him “You’re doing a yoga pose, you’re doing Cobra!”  He responded simply, “I know.”  The only reason he knew, is because every time his stretches remotely resemble  yoga, I yell it out to him.  And so today, I did yoga again at home.   It officially was Ash Wednesday, we had planned to attend church this evening, but was pulled into an episode of Oprah with Anthony Robbins.  This was our service today.  Later I proceeded to do some yoga as I watched a short documentary Ashtanga NY.  There was something comforting watching people practice these asanas daily, some movie stars, some regulars, all under Sri K. Pattabhi Jois. 

The documentary took place during the time pre and post 9/11 in the heart of New York.  It exemplified how these people stayed committed to their practice during this difficult time, and formed a sense of community despite the fact they may not know the other yogis names in the class, they felt connected.

Doing this simple pose of opening up my shoulders  and lower back and waking up to the world seems natural.  It is not an awkward position.  Anthony moved into the pose without trying or direction, sometimes your body craves it.   

triangle

Day 5: Triangle

Today the instructor for the class was Iyengar based.   Much of what she said had to do with perfecting the nuances of each pose.  The class didn’t feel as spiritual as it was corrective.  One pose we focused on was triangle.  It was from practicing triangle that we could forward on to crescent moon.   We tried to perfect our triangles with blocks, which were fastened at various levels.  As we moved into the poses in proper form, she said “People complain about alignment.  They say that focusing on alignment takes away from the dance of yoga, but in reality when you have the alignment down, the proper form, it frees your body up to experience even more joy.”  The instructor’s phrases tended to be technical, but when she added just a few metaphorical life lessons in there, they were golden.

A triangle in short hand is the symbol for change, and today exemplified that.  This morning I had a group interview for a yoga teacher scholarship opportunity.  For 100 hours of grunt work, you get a 50% discount from the three month course.  The candidates were myself (a doctoral level psychologist) and another minority female (a recent law school graduate).  Both of us were dissatisfied in our chosen professions which generally are admired deeply by society.  But our career paths to this point lacked connection for us.  And here we were applying to be teaching assistants for a yoga teacher training program.   No college education was necessary for this.  I couldn’t help but think how did we both get here.  I didn’t feel it was a pure competition.  Our styles were opposite.  I was reserved and calm.  She was late, slightly hyper, and comedic in her responses.   Part of me felt due to her free schedule and incessant note taking during the meeting, she was a shoe in for the scholarship.  I took no notes, and hold a full time job.  I was unclear how competitive I appeared.  But I realize if it’s meant to be it will happen, if not now, then later.

As we were in the interview, the recent law school grad complained of her parents were unsupportive of her new profession as an actress and future yogi.  She felt the skills she learned as a lawyer were  useless.  The interviewers tried to convince her otherwise, “these good skill to have for starting businesses or consulting.’’   I  thought of my training as a psychologist and how it complemented my skills as a therapist.   We can’t look of our paths up to now as a waste.  If you realize how your education and training can build your foundation of  your life, then maybe it will free up the space for more joy to come in. 

downward dog

Another resting pose.  Today I rested from a formal yoga class.  It was President’s Day, a day that banks, post offices, and federal offices take off.   Yet I worked and worked, but lacked the energy for class.  And so I did a brief sun salutation series at home.  When I do this I get angry at myself that I didn’t make it a priority to attend class.   I feel like a lazy piece of shit, and I have nobody to blame but myself.   I like to think that I’m different, inspirational, motivational, and authentic.  But in reality sometimes I’m so tired from work I don’t feel like doing anything but watching tv. 

It’s the guilt that looms over me. But this is when I need yoga the most, especially after a long day’s work, where the Mundane Mondays overtake you.  And all you want to do is wait for the next day to begin.   I can’t help but reflect on how can I shift this? I breathe in, move my calves up and down, and I settle into downward dog.  I release the tension in my shoulders, disseminating the weight throughout my hands and feet.   I center myself in this upside down V pose.   When you struggle in balancing poses or strength building poses, you turn to this safety net of downward dog.

Generally if I attempt this yoga pose at home, my dogs think I am impersonating their pouncing stance.   My English bulldog will crawl under my legs and chest that are folded into an upward v and head straight to my face to lick it.  Doing yoga at home is sometimes impossible because my dogs think it’s playtime, and who can avoid the lure of doggie wrinkles and sad eyes?  But today as I did my several asanas, they did nothing but watch.  They must have seen the weight of my stress and allowed me to have my space and release myself into the poses.