full lotus

This weekend, I’ve chosen to volunteer all weekend for a reduced rate for a writers conference.  It’s interesting because you are sitting in a room of 100 people all interested in living the life of a writer, primarily memoir or self help.  Some craft techniques are taught, but underlying this is the guise of service towards others.  Cheryl Richardson spoke today of her initial desire to get on the NY Times Bestseller list, and how this unmet need of attention kept her from truly succeeding.  It was when she began having difficult times on this path of being a writer, that she understood the importance that her goal should not be fame or finance, but helping as many people as she could.  When this new goal emerged, the fame and accolades arrived too. Lesson being our ego gets in the way our true potential achievements.    

I couldn’t help but think of the synchronicity of this conference and my life.  It’s coming at a time, when I truly need it.  There’s been in a rut the past several years.  I start a new job, due to disdain from a previous one.  I have hope for a better working environment, more money, better location, and a deeper connection to my passion.   Each time I’m disappointed.  I feel as if the older I get, the more off track I am getting from myself.  I’m losing this person I once was.  I once was an automatic caregiver to those around me, and now my ears have become selfish.   It’s not that I want to be selfish.  There was simply a tipping point where I could no longer give, and it’s where I’ve remained. 

But in searching for external gratification, a higher paying job, wanting to be a published author, trying to become this acclaimed yogini, was I missing something?  I set goals, attain them, but happiness never is sustained.  Maybe a shift needs to be made.  A shift instead of trying to force happiness out of what I think I want to do with my life, asking God to do what I’m meant to do and how I can help and serve others.

Today I do a short series of sun salutations, and settle into full lotus.  I choose to hum several “oms” before attempting a meditation of five minutes.  And my word I try to meditate on is “grace.”  I’ve been hearing that word often this past week, and feel it’s brought on a new meaning.  Grace as divine assistance versus a pleasing effect.  This is difficult for me.  In trying just to meditate on grace, I try to visualize the word internally, the variety of fonts grace could be written in.  I try to visualize people I saw use this word in the past week.  Midway I wonder if I try to change the word to something simpler: love.  I stay with grace.  It’s been awhile since I sat in full lotus, I notice my foot is starting to feel slightly numb.  The five minutes end, I survive.